Hello faithful readers! The holiday season is upon us and guessing you're busier than a prostitute at a Shriners convention. Right now though, I'm hoping you're lying back in your lazyboy chair preparing to let me make you smile. And just kidding about the Shriners; they do good work.

In the Sex and Sensibility section of this installment, I will introduce and review OMG! Cream, a new way to intensify the female orgasm experience. It's prescription only, but it's all done online. In case you haven't noticed, online doctors providing online prescriptions to your door is a thing now. Anyhoo, from what I surmise, OMG! Cream is for woman who have difficulty reaching orgasm. I'm not one of those women, probably because I'm jacked on bioidentical hormones, so I didn't expect to see much improvement, but I was WRONG!

Note: These are my opinions; I don't get any kind of compensation for an endorsement - ringing or otherwise, and if I ever get lucky enough TO get compensated, I'll let you know.

In the For Your Eyes First section, I provide some text from The Path of Temptation, as well as, Paddle Me Pam. These are the first two audio shorts in a new series I'm working on, so what you will be reading here is audio script, not typical prose. Where you see the ellipsis (. . .) you have to imagine what the man in the conversation is saying, because in the audio, you will only hear my voice. I just recorded them at Trebla Studios in Melbourne, Florida; they're about 15 minutes each. Once they're produced, which should be shortly, I'll email you a link to the full audio files.

As an aside, I feel sorry for the sound engineer who has to follow along with the text as I 'act' the various scripts - I mean there's only so much graphic sex one man can absorb in one week. Every time we took a break, I noticed he was sweating.

It was particularly amusing when I had an outburst that bust through the maximum noise level, and he had to cut in.

AL: Hey Bridget, when you're shouting out, can you pull back from the mic?

ME: Oh, yeah, sorry. I forgot.

AL: No problem. OK, let's take it from, Oh FUCK yeah, THERE IT IS! I’m gonna EXPLODE!!!

Poor fella.

Please read on!

So I was doing some early Christmas shopping in the Hot Flixxx superstore, and I struck up a conversation with an attractive young woman who was perusing the various lubricants. There were so many choices, if you tried a new one just once then moved on to the next, you couldn't possibly live long enough to have sex enough to get through half of them. Anyway, at one point, she held up a bottle and said, "My husband and I like this one." The label read: Fuck Water - When Spit and Courage Aren't Enough. I'm not sure if that's good marketing or not - it certainly didn't work on me. You can also buy men's Fuck Water socks. I'm guessing you're thinking what I'm thinking, but I digress.

What I really want to talk about is OMG! Cream, a product that wasn't available in the store, but that I was compelled to order after hearing my new friend's full-throated endorsement. So, it's cream - obviously - that a woman massages into her clitoris 30 minutes prior to anticipated sexual activity, so that it can be absorbed into the blood stream before the act itself. The ingredients? Sildenafil, Pentoxifylline, and Ergoloid Mesylate; all three increase blood flow. You may recognize Sildenafil - that's the generic form of Viagra. So basically, this is VIAGRA FOR WOMEN! The instructions include the warning that it shouldn't be used more than four times in 24 hours. WHAT?! I'm not sure I've had sex four times in 24 days - well, not with anyone else in the room.

Can you imagine a gathering of women tipsy with gigglewater and primed with OMG! Cream, surrounded by men harder than high-carbon steel from a double dose of Cialis - the room heavy with the promise of a pharmaceutical-fueled shaboinking. Well guess what? Those parties are probably going on right now, all day every day at THE VILLAGES!

Back to the task at hand.

OMG! Cream. So, does it work? The short answer is yes. Now, I'm sure it's a very individual experience, but for me, simply crossing my left leg over my right had me hornier than Michael Jackson watching Home Alone. Unfortunately, when I jumped up out of the chair to head for the bedroom, I almost fainted; all the blood in my brain had sailed south to the Bermuda Triangle. I made it to the couch - no lube, no toys, and unfortunately, no company. As for what happened next, I'll leave that to your fancy.

Sidenote: Timing is important, as it is for men when taking Cialis/Viagra. One needs to get 30 minutes into the bewitching hour for OMG! Cream to work. In addition, the product instructions warn that cunnilingus should be avoided once the cream has been applied, however, I have it on very good authority - the man married to the attractive young woman at HotFlixxx - that this is not a concern. I'm going to take his word for it.

My three word review for OMG! Cream?

Oh my GOD!!!!

The Path of Temptation

Oh it’s you. You’re way early . . . Deenie said 3 o’clock . . . No, she’s downtown with a friend. Well, come on in. Nice finally meeting you in the flesh.  

Hey, did you ever tell Deenie about that call? . . . Yeah, I did . . . I know. I’m sorry . . . We were arguing about something and I blurted it out - it was juvenile . . . I told her I found you on Facebook and one late night after one too many, I reached out and - ah - phone sex happened . . . I can’t believe she didn’t ask you about it, because she was pissed . . . Yeah, I apologized to her the next morning - told her it was only once, which of course is true . . . it was at least a year ago and thankfully, it hasn’t come up again.

OK well follow me - your room is downstairs. I thought you’d be sleeping up here with her, but she said she wanted you to have your own space . . . NAH, it was just her way of guaranteeing I’d be out of here. Watch your step . . .

Yeah real nice. You have the bedroom over there, an adjoining bathroom, and this living area. The sectional’s super comfy - I slept on it a couple weeks ago when Deenie’s cousin was visiting - and as you can see, the TV is monstrous, especially for an AirBNB - great for watching sports and - sorry, hold on, let me pause that - OOPS not right there - there we go.

So, I’d love to catch up if you’d like to join me . . . Great! There’s a mini-fridge behind the bar - grab yourself a beer. Hey I hope you don’t mind if I take Deenie’s old housecoat off - I wasn’t sure who was at the door, so I covered up.

TADAH! You like? . . . Pretty good for an old gal? . . . Thanks - I appreciate that. Have a seat. So, are you wondering why I’m down here alone, in lingerie, drinking beer, and watching porn?

(TBC: The full audio file will be emailed to you)

 Paddle Me Pam

Hi sweetie, can you hear me? . . . Can you see me? . . . Yes, perfect . . . He’s out with his brothers for a late lunch. Where’s Carla? . . . Mmmmmmm, so we have lots of time then . . . I’m fine. I’m excited. I just booked my flight. And FOUR nights this year . . . No, four . . .  Well tell her you were mistaken . . . Well MAKE it work . . .

Sorry, honey. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just . . . yes - I’m horny - ya got me, but the reason for that is I got thinking about your ah inadvertent tug and tussle with Paddle Me Pam . . .  

So, you know the really interesting thing about that encounter - I mean besides the fact that we’re in our 60’s and . . . No she’s not that young - she’s at least 55. She just dresses young and wears her clothes a little too tight - got that whole bleach blonde sexy mature thing going on . . . So what - the carpet doesn’t match the drapes; obviously, you found her attractive . . . She’s a little meaty, but it’s all in the right places . . . Whatever - she got you harder than hammer hell.

Mmmmmm . . . Barefoot Sauv Blanc - my house wine . . . Maybe not, but it’s perfect for day drinking - and zoom fucking . . . Don’t be in such a hurry . . . We haven’t even been chatting for two minutes; you’ll see them when you see them.

(TBC: The full audio file will be emailed to you)

And speaking of drunk, a few weeks ago, one of my golfing ladies dragged me into a titty bar. I've only been to one once and it was over 40 years ago, in San Francisco; it was seedy. Not so at The Red Leopard in Satellite Beach, Florida, the same venue that advertised an appearance of Stormy Daniels during her Make America Horny Again tour in 2018, and for only 20 bucks per person! - Oh how far the mighty have fallen. That show was cancelled, but before it was, my father had expressed a desire to go see her there, but with his macular degeneration, Stormy's outsized saline nubes may as well have been two ferrets fighting in a brown paper bag.

But once again, I digress.

I was pleasantly surprised by the place. It was clean with a don't-be-afraid-to-sit-on-the-toilet-seat vibe, and the women were beautiful, athletic, and fresh as wet paint. We also met a very nice couple there who sat with us up against the stage. This made me feel more comfortable, although I was still out of my element, so when my friend attempted to buy me a lap dance, I respectively declined.

So, after 30 minutes or so of oohing and ahhing and heeing and sheeing, I went up to the bar to get another drink and a wheelbarrow of one dollar bills. I was uncomfortably surprised to see a pregnant woman there, but relieved when she ordered a glass of water with just a splash of wine. While I struggled to figure out the appropriate change for two twenties, a man on my right, waiting for his scotch and soda, started chatting me up. Now, I'm comfortable around men, but not overly flirtatious, especially with someone I've never met. It's what's between a man's ears that makes me want to get between his legs, and typically that takes some time. But when this guy flashed his PGA badge, that was all the introduction I needed, and I coyly requested a lesson - my short game is weak. Things progressed, and when he said, "Bottoms up," I knew if I didn't get out of there, mine soon would be. So, I told my friend, who'd had enough wine to open up a monastery, that we had to go. She said, "No, the night is young!" I said, "Yeah, but I'm not."

Reflecting on it later, I realized I didn't know anything about titty bar culture. Here is what I've learned:

In general one must:

1. have cash

2. know and agree to the price of whatever it is BEFORE partaking

3. turn off the phone

4. keep it in one's pants

5. avoid touching her no matter what she does

6. understand and accept that she doesn't really care about you

What can be confusing is that the rules vary depending on city/state/provincial ordinances, and very often those rules are not written in stone. For example, I looked up the Satellite Beach ordinance for adult entertainment establishments and they are stricter than what I experienced, and I'm a newbie. With my persuasive nature, who knows what I could have negotiated. I also learned that sometimes the rules for women are far more amorphous than they are for men. In certain establishments, women MAY be allowed to kiss and touch the dancers. Does this make that lap dance that I turned down sound a little more appealing? I think so, because as a woman, paying another woman (or man) to NOT have sex with me doesn't sound appealing at all. So, would I go again? In general, probably not; To The Red Leopard, maybe yes, under the right circumstances, and at this moment, I'm not sure what those are.

As for men, why do so many of them enjoy strippers and porn? I guess for the same reason women read romance novels. We all enjoy love and sex, even when we know it’s an illusion.

Well, that’s it for the Fall 2024 newsletter. There’s plenty more about me and my writings on my website bridgetdoone.com, as well as TikTok and YouTube. Also, I’m always looking for Dear Bridget letters that I can share with my readers and listeners. Email me with just about anything at bridget@bridgetdoone.com.

Until next time, have a wonderful holiday season with family and friends.

MWAH!

Bridget